Recently I found myself getting rather defensive at something my husband commented on. I wondered why I was feeling so defensive when I knew it really wasn’t a big deal. Why was I feeling the need to justify something I’d done, even when I knew he was correct. He was not criticising or pointing out a fault, merely making a comment on something I’d said.
I wondered why I didn’t just calmly give my reason for saying what I’d said, but rather felt that I had to justify my thought process instead. I knew that I believed and felt good about my comment, so I had to wonder why I’d done that.
After giving it some thought, and considering a few other recent occasions that I’d found myself getting more defensive that the situation warranted, and I realised something about myself. It was something I’d actually known all along, but had not been willing to acknowledge ‘out loud’ to myself.
I realised that I got defensive, not because of my husband’s question or comment, but rather because I lacked confidence in myself.
According to the Google Dictionary, this is the difference between clarifying something, and defensively justifying it:
Clarifying means to make a statement or situation less confused and more comprehensible.
Justifying means to show or prove to be right or reasonable.
The first definition suggests confidence, while the other (depending on the situation obviously, but we are referring to the situation above), unless you are a lawyer in court of law needing to present your case, it suggests a need to explain yourself.
I had to have a conversation with myself as to why I often feel the need to defend a decision I made or something I chose to do. Did I doubt the decision? Did I doubt the action taken?
No, I had to acknowledge that I felt the need to justify my decision, not because others were smarter, but because I assumed others were smarter. I know that I am an educated, wise and rational person. However I also realised that deep down I assumed that others would have a better or wiser way, and so then when someone (my husband in this case, and most other cases) asked for clarification on something, that my first reaction was to get defensive.
If I believed in myself a bit more, I wouldn’t fear finding there may be a better way, because it wouldn’t affect my self-confidence. My self-confidence would allow me to change a plan or decision if needed, and it would also allow me to stand firm with my original thought or action if I still felt that was the best decision.
Until I allow myself to believe in myself, those defensive reactions would continue.
There are many things in our life that can contribute to us feeling less confident about ourselves than we should. Some of those things could be from childhood experiences, school experiences or even our current relationships. It could even be a combination of experiences. Many things in our lives can dent, crack or even break our self confidence. Unfortunately, only we can fix it.
We can allow people in our lives that can help us build our self-confidence, but ultimately it’s up to us to tell ourselves that it’s OK to believe in ourselves. Do we have to have all the answers? Do we have to never make a mistake? No. But, we can still be confident in our decisions and actions.
Is this a simple, quick fix solution? Absolutely not. But I sure feel a lot better about myself and my decision to stand confidently by my decisions than I did before, and it’s been great.
This is a work in progress, but it’s worth the work!
Self-Care Counselling 