Recently I found myself getting rather defensive at something my husband commented on. I wondered why I was feeling so defensive when I knew it really wasn’t a big deal. Why was I feeling the need to justify something I’d done, even when I knew he was correct. He was not criticising or pointing out a fault, merely making a comment on something I’d said.
I wondered why I didn’t just calmly give my reason for saying what I’d said, but rather felt that I had to justify my thought process instead. I knew that I believed and felt good about my comment, so I had to wonder why I’d done that.
After giving it some thought, and considering a few other recent occasions that I’d found myself getting more defensive that the situation warranted, and I realised something about myself. It was something I’d actually known all along, but had not been willing to acknowledge ‘out loud’ to myself.
I realised that I got defensive, not because of my husband’s question or comment, but rather because I lacked confidence in myself.
According to the Google Dictionary, this is the difference between clarifying something, and defensively justifying it:
Clarifying means to make a statement or situation less confused and more comprehensible.
Justifying means to show or prove to be right or reasonable.
The first definition suggests confidence, while the other (depending on the situation obviously, but we are referring to the situation above), unless you are a lawyer in court of law needing to present your case, it suggests a need to explain yourself.
I had to have a conversation with myself as to why I often feel the need to defend a decision I made or something I chose to do. Did I doubt the decision? Did I doubt the action taken?
No, I had to acknowledge that I felt the need to justify my decision, not because others were smarter, but because I assumed others were smarter. I know that I am an educated, wise and rational person. However I also realised that deep down I assumed that others would have a better or wiser way, and so then when someone (my husband in this case, and most other cases) asked for clarification on something, that my first reaction was to get defensive.
If I believed in myself a bit more, I wouldn’t fear finding there may be a better way, because it wouldn’t affect my self-confidence. My self-confidence would allow me to change a plan or decision if needed, and it would also allow me to stand firm with my original thought or action if I still felt that was the best decision.
Until I allow myself to believe in myself, those defensive reactions would continue.
There are many things in our life that can contribute to us feeling less confident about ourselves than we should. Some of those things could be from childhood experiences, school experiences or even our current relationships. It could even be a combination of experiences. Many things in our lives can dent, crack or even break our self confidence. Unfortunately, only we can fix it.
We can allow people in our lives that can help us build our self-confidence, but ultimately it’s up to us to tell ourselves that it’s OK to believe in ourselves. Do we have to have all the answers? Do we have to never make a mistake? No. But, we can still be confident in our decisions and actions.
Is this a simple, quick fix solution? Absolutely not. But I sure feel a lot better about myself and my decision to stand confidently by my decisions than I did before, and it’s been great.
This is a work in progress, but it’s worth the work!
This was originally posted on the 19th of August 20202. Some updates have been made.
There is no doubt that being an adult is tough. We all look forward to it when we are younger – the freedom, the income – but we really had no idea what it would really be like. And our training? Well, that was on the job! We went from being pre-teens, totally dependent on our parents, to teens who were beginning to look for more and more independence. We then become young adults suddenly because we blew out a certain number of candles on our birthday cake, and then either get into the working world or go and study away from our family. And just like that we have to know how to take care of ourselves and how the world works.
It would be crazy to think that this transition has no effect on our stress or anxiety levels, even if we have transitioned rather well. Just by virtue of the fact that we live in this crazy, busy, demanding, exciting and often very unforgiving world, we are going to experience challenges on a regular basis. Some of those challenges will be easier to navigate and overcome than others. Some of the challenges will leave us feeling extremely fulfilled and give our self-esteem a huge boost. Other experiences will leave us feeling drained and sometimes even decrease our belief in ourselves and our abilities.
Some personality types cope very well with the day to day mundane repetition of tasks, but break down when a large unexpected change comes along, while another personality type will struggle with the day to day mundane tasks and absolutely thrive when a big challenge comes along.
For example, Personality One feels rather flustered after the morning routine of getting everyone off to work and school when the car gets a flat tyre. Instead of falling apart, Personality One kicks into super hero mode, doing what needs to be done without breaking a sweat or getting all stressed out, but when the stapler at work doesn’t work, it’s freak out time.
Personality Two breezes through the daily morning routine of getting the family fed, dressed and ready for work and school, however, when the printer at work jams, they get angry or fall apart, possibly even taking it out on others.
We all react differently to the responsibilities and challenges we face.
We all have different strengths and weaknesses.
We will always have challenges come our way, there’s nothing we can do about that, however there are some things we can do that will help us to manage them.
We don’t all have hours or days where we can remove ourselves from our responsibilities, and so it’s very often difficult to have some ‘away time’ or ‘down time’. It is important however, to create some time, even if it’s just 10 minutes here or there, where we can disconnect our thinking brains and give it time to de-stress by doing something active or creative. This helps our brain to work things out in the background, often without us even being aware of it, as well as allowing the tension in our muscles to ease off a bit. It’s like distraction for our stress muscle.
There are many things that you can do to distract yourself and your stress muscles. Depending on your personality and likes or dislikes, you could adapt some of these ideas to fit better in your lifestyle and your likes.
Some ideas to help ease off your stress muscles:
Creating with Putty – You get to mould and shape the putty into any shape you want. You could buy some from the store, or you could make your own. There are many recipes on the internet. If you have younger children, you could let them play with you. Squeeze, pull, twist, squish that putty until you get it to be what you want. Break it down and try again. Use different colours and textures if you want.
Colouring in – Use an old colouring in book, a blank piece of paper if you are artistic or just feel like doing some free form, you could print some colouring pages from the internet, or buy yourself one of many books in the stores. You can use whatever medium you prefer – oil pastels, crayons, pencils or paint. Try something new. It could be as short as 5 minutes or as long as an episode or two of a series you are watching. Colour, shade, blend and create!
Music – Put on a piece of music you love (use earphones if you need to) and again, depending on your personality, sing to it, dance to it, conduct it like a maestro, play air guitar, drums or whatever moves you. Enjoy the pleasure of good sounds.
Writing – Try writing a story. Create a world of your own. If you don’t feel creative enough to make up a story, write your story. If you don’t want to put your life down on paper for others to read, share your feelings, thoughts, frustrations, triumphs and dreams in a journal. Make space for other things in your mind, change your focus by getting those relentless, buzzing thoughts out of your head and onto paper where you can tackle them in a more organised, and less emotional way.
Build a model – You can find just about any type of thing to build, so choose something that will bring you pleasure as you create it. There are models that require fine motor skills, and some that are much simpler and quicker to put together. Some models allow you to paint and add personal touches. Others are just simple clip together projects. Choose the option that you feel you could enjoy.
Build a puzzle – You can choose from a 10 piece puzzle or a 10 000 piece puzzle.
Play Sudoku – If you prefer being more analytical than creative, play a game or two of Sudoku. You can buy a Sudoku book to work in or download an app onto your phone. If you don’t know how to play Sudoku, there are many great teachers on YouTube that can guide you through the process.
Have fun finding your creative outlet. Make use of it and give your stress muscles a break. You will appreciate it, and your family, colleagues and friends will appreciate it too!
I don’t think there are many people out there who do not mentally punish themselves over and over when they have messed up. The actual ‘mess up’ could come in any form. It could be a really big deal mess up or a minor, insignificant mess up, but we seem to replay over and over how we failed in that particular situation. So, how can we cope with our human (and because we are not perfect robots, to be expected) mess ups, and more importantly, deal with them so that we can move on positively from it?
Here are some thoughts on what you can do. These ideas would work for minor mess ups as well as major mess ups, if you choose to use them sincerely.
Acknowledge the mess up – it’s really not helpful to anyone, least of all you, to try to side step the fact that you messed up. No amount of double talk, blame or denial will change the fact. You also can’t improve or be better next time if you aren’t ready to accept it and learn from it. Mess ups can be humiliating, painful or just plain irritating, but we can always learn from them, and learning and improving is never a bad thing. When we pretend that something didn’t happen, or that you had no role to play in the mess up, it destroys trust and respect. Acknowledging it and accepting responsibility builds trust and respect, even if there are hurt feelings at the time.
Apologise – this may be a really difficult thing to do depending on the situation, but it’s always better to acknowledge a mistake than to pretend it didn’t happen. Apologising for your role in the event, or for your actions allows you to move on and kinda clean the slate. It also allows the other person to know that you are aware of the error whereas not apologising may lead the other person to believe you are rude and don’t care. Often we can’t change the consequences of our mistakes, but once we have acknowledged them, it helps us and the other party to move past the issue.
Consider – consider WHY you messed up. Was it because I didn’t take some counsel I was given previously? Was it because I failed to listen to what my partner was telling me about how my behavior affected them? Was it because I didn’t have enough understanding of the task? Was I being selfish and inconsiderate in my choices or actions? Once you understand the circumstances that contributed to your messing up, you can – if you are humble enough to do so – use this as a way to improve and hopefully prevent messing up, in that particular thing, again.
Get real – if anyone else had messed up the way you had, what would your response to them have been? Would you give them as tough a time as you are giving yourself? Would you label them with the same derogatory labels you are giving yourself? Considering this perspective you can look at your mess up with a more realistic understanding of what has happened. If you really messed up badly and would in fact be as tough on someone else as you are being on yourself, then it’s time to do some introspection and consider making some big change with regard to why you did what you did. You may need to get beyond your ego. Beating yourself up over it is fine, as long as it’s no longer than 5 minutes. Then it’s time to decide what to do to correct the behavior or choices that lead to this point. Wallowing in self pity and self deprecation will not improve anything.
Change your environment – sometimes it’s a good idea to remove yourself from wherever you are for a few moments, to allow you to gather yourself again and collect your thoughts. You may need a breather (you could use this time to consider the first few ideas that have been shared) to allow you get a better perspective on the situation, and allow you to get your emotions under control. You can go into the bathroom for a while, or go and have a milkshake, take a short drive or go and sit somewhere where there’s some beautiful calming nature that can help you to breath again.
Be good to yourself – no one is perfect. Don’t go beating yourself up for your weakness, your error or your misunderstanding. Hanging your feelings of guilt around your neck to keep torturing yourself is just destructive to yourself. It serves no purpose other than to make you unhappy and to keep you stuck in the same place you were when you messed up. Being stuck and unhappy will just aggravate any situation you have found yourself in. Learning from the mess up, making plans to be and do better and improving yourself will help you and others to move on and continue being happy. There’s a pretty great chance you will mess up again in some way or another, but it’s self-defeating to keep piling them on top of you and burying yourself under your imperfections. You are more than your mistakes. Move on, and be awesome!
We may find that as parents, we fit a little into each parenting category at different times. Our parenting styles change over time and as we learn and mature as parents. Often we may start off with one parenting style as our dominant style, but this can change over time. Often a parent recognises that what they are doing is not how they wish to continue, that what they are doing does not make them happy, and they consciously make a decision change or adapt how they parent. We can always learn better and do better.
The Authoritarian Parent focuses more on obedience over their relationship with their child, and use punishment to enforce that obedience rather than teaching discipline. These parents do not feel the need to explain the reason behind the rule, the expectation or the punishment attached.
This parenting style is very much how it was done in ‘the olden days’, where the parent’s word was law with no willingness to understand the child’s behavior. For example, if their child is involved in a fight at school, they would just punish the child for bad behavior, which may have caused embarrassment to the parent when the Principle called, rather than to understand what happened only to learn that they may have been defending themselves and were not the aggressor. This parenting style believes “kids should be seen and not heard” and have the “it’s my way or the highway” mentality, at no time considering the child’s personality or needs.
The authoritarian parent has strict and often quite harsh punishments for not following family ‘rules’ or boundaries, however these rules are often not clearly defined and may change according to the mood of the parent. The ‘rules’ are not used so much to teach the child right from wrong, but rather they are used as a weapon to ensure the child does as the parent wants. Because the rules are not very clearly defined, a child often does not know exactly what it was that they did wrong. This leaves them always on edge and anticipating some form of chastisement or punishment, with little personal power to avoid punishment as they don’t know what the actual rules are.
The authoritarian parent also has very high expectations for their child regarding behavior and accomplishments but give little direction or encouragement regarding what is expected of them. These parents will withdraw their affection when a child does not achieve according to the parent’s expectations. As a result these children may perform very well at school or in their sport, but are lacking in happiness, social skills and have very low self-esteem.
Children are not included in any family discussions or planning. If there is a family problem, new rules or restrictions will be put in place without discussion with the child in order to understand a situation.
The children of authoritarian parents can be very obedient, but this is out of fear and not out of respect or personal discipline. They also have very low self esteem, feeling that they are inferior or that they are a bad person. They can become very withdrawn and have great difficulty in sharing their personal thoughts or opinions. They may have great difficulty in making their own choices later on in their lives as they have not been allowed this growth opportunity at home.
A child of an authoritarian parent or parents can become very good at lying. They have learned this to protect themselves from getting into trouble, or receiving a punishment. They can experience high levels of anxiety, frustration and depression due to a lack of an opportunity to find and be themselves.
They could also become rather defiant and aggressive, and could even become bullies at school or with other children. This is as a result of their internal and emotional frustrations. They may have also not learned how to constructively fit into group situations without feeling inferior. They could try to overcome this feeling of inferiority by forcing others to view them as strong and important through bullying or other aggressive actions. They have not learned a constructive way of finding their value in the world.
They could hold great anger and hostility towards their parents. Once they leave home they could distance themselves from their childhood home and from their family, often carving out an entirely different lifestyle from the one they were raised in as a form of rebellion and self-expression. This new lifestyle could be positive or negative, depending on the influences the child has been exposed to in their teen years.
These children may find a partner or spouse that is domineering because they have become used to following instructions and being subservient. They may also struggle to carve their own space in their world, and struggle to find their own personality and passions.
Visual of all parenting styles discussed on this blog
Find our other blog posts regarding parenting styles :
We may find that as parents, we fit a little into each parenting category at different times. Our parenting styles change over time and as we learn and mature as parents. Often we may start off with one parenting style as our dominant style, but this can change over time. Often a parent recognises that what they are doing is not how they wish to continue, that what they are doing does not make them happy, and they consciously make a decision change or adapt how they parent. We can always learn better and do better.
The uninvolved parent is the parent that is totally disconnected from their child. They are oblivious to the child’s needs, emotions, interests, concerns, fears, strengths or weaknesses. This parent is often referred to as neglectful, indifferent or dismissive.
The uninvolved parent can manifest in various ways:
This parent often feels that they have done sufficient by providing a living space, clothing and food. They can be totally oblivious to how disconnected they are. They just don’t notice their child or children. The parent has provided clothing for the child, but has not noticed that the child had outgrown their clothes months, and sometimes years ago.
They have very little emotional involvement with their children, often showing surprise when they find out something that their child may be struggling with, or doing well with from other parents or teachers. They will accept no role in any bad decisions their child may have made, always distancing themselves from the action and the consequence of that action.
These parents have little supervision with, and offer minimal or no boundaries for their children. They do not enforce values, curfews, chores, rules etc, leaving the child to make their own decisions and coping with the consequences of their actions on their own too.
These parents show little to no affection, love or concern for their children. They are usually rather self involved, being all consumed by their own problems and troubles. Their troubles are always more important, more painful or harder than that of other family members and thereby justify their selfish behavior.
Why are they so uninvolved?
They may have no personal reference of how a parent gets involved with their children emotionally, as their parents were distant or uncaring.
They could be from an abusive home, and they have shut down certain caring aspects of their nature, choosing to protect themselves rather than open themselves up to further hurt.
They may have a job that they find very demanding, which can make them feel drained and unable or unwilling to give more of themselves once they get home.
They may feel that because they work hard all day, the raising of the children is the responsibility of the other spouse or a caregiver.
They may be coping with personal struggles like depression, physical weaknesses (from illness or injury) or substance abuse.
How this affects the children
The child may become unwilling or unable to rely on others for help, feeling they need to take care of themselves all the time
The child may develop a distrust of others that may be in a position of authority or have a responsibility for caring for them (like teachers or other authority figures), always expecting others to let them down.
They can be emotionally withdrawn from others around them, finding it a challenge to make and keep friends.
They may develop anxiety and carry a lot of stress internally as they feel responsible for themselves, and often other family members, but are too young to actually be able to effective do so.
They have a greater risk of abusing substances.
They learn to become self reliant very early and struggle to accept help from others.
They can show delinquent behavior, knowing there will be no accountability. They struggle in an environment that seems restrictive with rules and boundaries.
They perform poorly in most areas of life, showing deficiency in emotional, social and intellectual skills.
Visual of all parenting styles discussed in this blog
Find our other blog posts on parenting styles here :
The suggestions offered below do not take into account relationships that includes physical abuse, mental manipulation or put you, your family or friends in danger in any way. If you fear for your safety you need to contact an organisation that can help you to leave and be safe as soon as possible.
Ending a toxic relationship is not always simple. If this person is someone you have just recently formed a relationship with, it may be easier to end. However, if this is a long term relationship like a marriage, it could be a lot more difficult and complicated. It is important for you to decide if this is an issue that can be worked through with professional help, (for example, if there are underlying issues like depression, alcoholism or trauma that may be influencing your partner’s behavior), or if this a character trait that your partner is not willing to work on or change. You need to decide whether this is something you can live with, or not.
I am, personally, of the mindset that I will always work to fix a marriage rather than end it. (Obviously that mindset excludes the physically abusive and dangerous relationships as mentioned before). However, sometimes a relationship is just not save-able. Each person has to make that very personal decision for themselves, and once the decision has been made, I will support them in their decision. It is not for us to judge, not having experienced whatever they have had to go through.
Things you can do to end a toxic relationship
Be honest with yourself. Go back to our previous blog post Types of Toxic Behavior (see link below), and honestly assess your relationship. Is this a toxic relationship or are you just not seeing eye to eye? Is this something you can work with , or is this something you need to remove from your life.
Ask yourself, What’s in it for me? Try to understand WHY you are in this relationship and what the perks would be to stay in the relationship. What are the reasons that would keep you here, and what would be the reasons you’d leave?
Get ready to let go. This may be the toughest part, especially if you are still in love. You need to acknowledge that you can’t change someone else, no matter how much you love them. If you have been strong enough to cope up to now, you are strong enough to leave.
Stop waiting for someone else to change. Choose to take control of your life and stop giving up your control to someone else. You can be the positive change in your life.
There is no ‘perfect time’. Stop putting it off for after whatever it is that you are waiting for to happen. Stop waiting for better weather or after their birthday. It’s not going to be easier later.
It’s going to hurt. Making a change is always hard, especially if it involves your heart. You can hurt for a little and then get better and be happier, or keep hurting for an indefinite time. You are in charge of the amount of time you hurt, it just depends on whether you stay or go.
Acknowledge that you deserve better. You are worth more than a broken relationship. You have to let go to make yourself available and open for something new.
Allow yourself healing through tears. There is no need to pretend, no need to ‘be strong’. Give yourself a break and let your healing begin by feeling your pain as you cry. There is sadness in ending a relationship, especially when it began with a hope for a wonderful future. Mourn that loss, but don’t wallow there forever.
Fill your gap. Find something (not someone) to fill the gap. Find things to do that make you happy and get to know yourself a little better. Soon you will be ready to allow someone into your life again, but don’t rush it.
Ignore the voices. Don’t listen to those voices in your head that are telling you you’ll never be happy again, or that you’ll never find someone to love you again. That’s just your fear and pain speaking. Tell yourself that in time, you’ll find someone even better, someone that will love you for you and that you can love without fear.
Change the internal messages. Get rid of the messages you may keep telling yourself like “I’m unlovable” or “I am too broken or flawed”. Those are messages from the relationship that tried to control you, and they are lies. Remind yourself of truths about yourself like, “I make mistakes, but I learn from them”, or “I am special and lovable”.
Keep the control. You are in control of your happiness. Give yourself healing and grieving time, but don’t make it too long before you get going on your life again. Find things that you enjoy, do things that make you happy. Enjoy your hobbies, work on your talents, spend time with your family and friends. Don’t isolate yourself.
Write it down. Write in your journal. Put down your thoughts, and your plans. Write down your experiences and why you have decided to leave. You may need this to help you remember why you chose to do what you did. Looking back at those thoughts will help you not to romanticise your old relationship, remembering only the good things. Your own thoughts can keep you committed to your decision.
Reward yourself. You may be tempted to contact them, or even to go back to them. Reward yourself for NOT doing so. Initially you can reward yourself after a day of not contacting them. You can increase it slowly to a week, or a month, depending on how hard it is to leave them. Reward yourself with things you look forward to, or have wanted.
Push pause. Do not jump into another relationship. Get to know and understand yourself again. You have to begin seeing yourself through your eyes, not the eyes of someone who was trying to control or manipulate you. If you jump into another relationship too soon you will not be giving your true self to that relationship. That’s not fair to you or your new relationship.
Be sure to take a look at our two previous blogs on the topic of toxic relationships:
These people are the ultimate controllers. Initially yo may feel flattered by the jealousy they show regarding you, however this jealously quickly becomes suffocating, all controlling and may even make you feel unsafe. Their possessiveness and control removes any contact you may have had with family, friends or any interests of your own. They monitor your time, where you are and with whom, even what you wear. They will question you about everything, whether you have given them reason to be insecure about your feelings for them or not. They are suspicious about everything and everyone in your life, and take out their insecurities on you by manipulating you or making you feel guilty for whatever it is you may have done. It is extremely tiring. Your reassurances to them are in vain.
The Bad Tempered Person
You are always on edge about any interaction you have with this person, because you are always worried about how they will react to whatever you say or suggest. You fear changing plans or disagreeing with something he or she is doing or has said. If you upset them in any way they can start shouting or even ignore you for the next few days to punish you. They intimidate you and constantly have you feeling like you are walking on egg shells so as not to upset them in any way. Anything could trigger their anger. You are always to blame for their bad mood, they will never take any responsibility for their behavior. Outside of the home however, they can appear to be very likeable.
The User
These people can also fall into the manipulator category. They will make you feel very drained, but at the same time like you owe them because they have been nice to you, or have done things for you. However, they actually never give more than they take. The scale is tipped very heavily to the take side. The relationship starts off very positively, but eventually you are feeling so in their debt, that feel too guilty to distance yourself from them, or not jump every time they claim to be needing something from you. Their needs can come in the form of financial help, emotional help or just your time. Don’t be fooled, you are the one doing all the giving.
The Be-littler
This person makes fun of you, mocks you and criticises you all the time. They do it in private and in public. They do it in such a way however, that if you get upset of offended, they will make you feel even worse by saying it was just a joke, or that you are taking things too seriously. Others around you may think they are just jokers, but if this ‘joking’ is making you feel insecure or inferior, it is toxic to you. They like to make you feel that you need them because you are so incapable or stupid. They will belittle your beliefs, your values, your dress, your physical attributes, your ideas, your mannerisms etc. Nothing is off limits to them because they love to make you feel of little value.
The Deflector
This person will always turn the tables on you. No matter what has happened, it will be your fault. You will be blamed for their behavior too. They will never take responsibility for what they have done or said. They want you to take the blame, they want you to feel remorse and apologise. This way there is no need for them to change or acknowledge their mistakes or weaknesses.
The Manipulator
These people will only do things on their terms, and will make you feel bad for doing something that made them feel unhappy. They will also not manipulate you directly, but they will let you know through others how you have upset them or disappointed them. This way they never come off looking like the bad guy, but like the victim. When you do things they want, they will reward you. You may not initially notice this because it is subtle. It could be as simple as they will speak nicely to you and make you feel special. This is them rewarding you for ‘being a good girl / boy’. You may even unknowingly modify your behavior because it’s always nicer to feel loved than to be unhappy. You may reason to yourself that you are doing things because it makes you happy, when in actual fact changing your behavior to suit your partner just that it stops you from feeling sad. This a very common form of control used by a controlling parent.
The Independent Person
These people keep you on your toes by being inconsistent. They do not keep commitments. They claim they won’t be controlled by anyone, or that they “make their own decisions” or that “I am my own person”. This is just another form of control. They have control over you by keeping you out of control of your own life. They can manipulate your day or your plans by not doing what they said they would do. They have any number of excuses for their thoughtless behavior and leave you feeling insecure.
The Over-Dependent Person
This person, whether a partner, parent or friend, always make you feel responsible for helping them to make any decisions. You feel responsible for them and so don’t feel you can move away or move on with your life. It’s their way of keeping you close to them. If you do make a decision that does not include them, or make them feel left out in any way, they will make you feel very guilty about it, whether passively or actively with some form of manipulative behavior. This makes you feel anxious and responsible all the time.
The Negative Person
These people drain you and constantly need you to help them to see the value in anything. They are always behaving like “the glass is half empty”, or even completely empty. You are always trying to motivate them or helping them to see how wonderful they actually are. These people make it very difficult to just enjoy something, and are always dragging you back into their dark hole with them, waiting for you to pull them out.
The Liar
It may begin that you think this person may just have been mistaken about something they said or did, however eventually you will find yourself wondering more and more about the things they say. They will lie to you about the simplest things, which may seem trivial and unimportant, but this can lead to them telling you huge lies. You may think you are losing your mind because they are very good at covering up if they are ever confronted or caught out. These people have no problem increasing a lie to cover their first lie, and are extremely manipulative in order to protect themselves.
No relationship is perfect. Every relationship goes through good times and bad times, every relationship has ups and downs. Some of our ‘healthy’ relationships may even show signs of some of the types of toxic behaviors that will be discussed, however the difference is that in a ‘healthy’ relationship those negative behaviors are not something that is experienced very often. In a toxic relationship, these negative behaviors have become ‘the norm’, or are experienced daily.
A toxic relationship does not only happen in a romantic relationship, but can be found in friendships, in a relationship between parent and child and even continue between parent and adult child.
What is a toxic relationship?
You could be in a toxic relationship if you have someone who tries to control you in any way. They could try to control your behavior, your manner of dress, change your group of friends, influence your interests and even your working environment. Anyone that prevents you from being yourself, makes you fearful for acting independently or manipulates you into doing or not doing something is considered toxic. Usually this person will appear to be the ‘perfect gentleman’ in public, being kind and patient, thoughtful and attentive, however in private they become a very different person. This makes it difficult for you to talk to others about because they tend to think you are being over dramatic or lying.
A toxic relationship can be subtle, but also includes physical violence and substance abuse. In these cases you need to get out of the relationship as soon as possible, and seek professional assistance for both yourself and your partner. Should your partner be willing to accept help and work on the problem, you can decide what to do from there, but your safety comes first. Especially if there are children involved.
Difference between a positive and a toxic relationship
A Positiverelationship gives you positive energy. It leaves you feeling good about yourself, happy and excited about the future. You show equal respect for each other, compassion. You have a sincere interest in each other’s feelings, thoughts and experiences. You care about how each other are doing and remember, and show compassion regarding things that are coming up that may be exciting or scary for the other person. You can talk about anything, whether you agree or disagree with each other. Both partners recognise the need to apologise if there has been an upset in the relationship. Decisions are shared, and compromises are made equally. You are sincerely happy for the other person’s accomplishments, and share in the sadness of a disappointment. You encourage and motivate each other. You both feel you can be yourself and at the same time recognise if there is place to improve and grow. You feel secure and safe in your relationship.
A Negative relationship leaves you feeling drained. You do not feel happy and do not feel good about yourself. You may find you are experiencing an increase in physical ailments, often without reason. This could be because of the stress and strains that you are dealing with regularly, and are manifesting in a physical way. You do not feel secure about any decisions you make, or that you are in a safe place, even if you find it exciting at the time. You do not share your thoughts freely and withhold sharing your plans for the future, or even just a future event. You do not feel cared for. You feel dominated and controlled.
It’s about power and control
A toxic relationship is all about power and control. The partner that is trying to control you actually feels very insecure in themselves, and by exerting their control over you, they feel a sense of power which gives them the feeling of strength and value that they are needing. A toxic relationship has nothing to do with love or respect. They may say they love you, and may even believe it and sound sincere, however what they actually feel is a need for you. They need you to be in their lives so that they feel strong. That is why they will fight so hard against you leaving. It is not because they loved you, but because they need you to be there to bring the perceived balance to their lives that they are seeking.
You are not doing yourself or them any favours by staying in this type of relationship. If it is a family member, like a mother or father, and you are not old enough to be on your own yet, you may need to seek help and advice from a trusted person like a teacher, or religious leader, a family friend or someone else that you feel could guide you on the best way to approach the situation. Especially if you fear for your safety.
If you are in a marriage or romantic relationship, you need to remember that it takes two to allow a toxic relationship to happen.
Depending on the severity of the toxic relationship, it can be very scary and even seem dangerous to try to end such a relationship. In this case you would need to seek professional counsel and help. However, in some relationships, if you have a willing partner, it can be as ‘simple’ (and yes, using the word simple here is relative) as recognising the problem, discussing the problem, and working through it together. Others may need to actually leave the relationship completely. The decision will not be an easy one, especially if you are already married. It is never the first choice to end a marriage, and to break up a family. You may need to be willing to have a difficult discussion and be prepared to experience some tough growing pains as you both work through the situation together.
There are TWO in any relationship. It will take TWO to keep the relationship, whether it’s a Work In Progress, or a We’re Doing Great Thanks relationship. A toxic relationship is not a relationship at all, it is rather one person using another to feel better about themselves. It’s best to end such a ‘relationship’.
In our next post we will discuss different types of toxic behavior.
It is so draining. You feel sad, but you’re tired of feeling sad. You want to feel something other than sad, but you just don’t seem to be able to. And that makes you sad. It feels so heavy, this sadness. It weighs so much, and it seems to be getting heavier. You don’t want this sadness anymore, but you just don’t know how to change to feel anything else anymore. And even if you did, would you have the energy to do what you need to to change from feeling so sad after so long? It’s just so tiring.
There is no simple cure or answer to this. And it’s very important to go and see a qualified medical practitioner to help you discover what the source of your sadness may be. Far too often we keep telling ourselves that “I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I can get over this”, or “no one will understand, they’ll think I’m crazy or over reacting to silly things”. And then we don’t go and get the medical help that we need and keep suffering.
There is absolutely NO shame in feeling overwhelmed, sad, depressed or any other emotion that we try to hide from others for fear of being labeled weak or silly. Our reality is our reality, and if we are struggling, for whatever reason, we need to get whatever help we can before it breaks us permanently.
Often the problem can be resolved simply by talking about it with someone who will listen and not judge, but love us anyway. But, there are other times where that alone will not be sufficient.
We may be carrying emotional baggage from our childhood that we don’t even know has become baggage. We may have hormonal disturbances that we are completely unaware of, which can very badly affect our coping abilities. We may have built up anxiety from years of living life, that we didn’t know had built up to the point of almost breaking, when we thought we had coped so well. We may have poisons in our system from the foods we eat which have become contaminated through modifying, fertilizers or pesticides. Even our water (tap or bottle) has things in it that slowly poisons our bodies.
Our lifestyles have become so unnatural that we rarely spend time outside in the sun and nature, but sit for hours in an office or under artificial lighting for whatever reason, getting through the rush of everyday deadlines and pressures. This is quite naturally going to take it’s toll on our physical bodies, but we forget that the toll on our emotional self takes a huge toll too. It’s just more difficult to see and to recognise the years of ‘life’ as taking a negative toll on our coping ability. And then we think we are weak. We call ourselves names like ‘failure’, ‘pathetic’, ‘loser’, ‘stupid’, or any other negative label we can think of, to confirm to ourselves that we are not as good as others at doing this thing called ‘Life’.
What a load of nonsense, and it’s really very unfair of ourselves to judge ourselves so harshly. If we looked just a little under the outer layer of everyone around us, we will see that they have just as many struggles in their personal and emotional lives, they just show up in different ways. No one is better than another. Everyone is just struggling in their own unique way, trying to brave it through the challenges thrown at them and their families.
This feeling of heaviness and sadness is sometimes referred to as Walking Depression. It can also be called Smiling Depression. The reason for the name kind of describes itself. You walk around appearing to be fully functioning, getting things done and even having a smile on your face for those around you. However, in your own space where you are alone in your head, you are actually battling with feelings of anxiety, shame, self-loathing and worthlessness. You can also have severe symptoms of depression, but you hide this all from those around you. Sometimes you are even hiding it from yourself. It’s your smiling mask.
There are some things you can do to help you cope and work through your emotions. None of these offered suggestions are instant fixes, but they are a place to start, and can lead to helping you to find a balance in your life again.
Rest – You are not a super hero, and there is nothing wrong with having to take some time out to gather yourself again. In fact, you will be more productive and effective after a rest than if you just keep pretending to be a machine. It may mean saying you can’t be at a friend’s get together over the weekend. It may mean you have to decline taking your kids to their friend tomorrow. It doesn’t mean you’ll never do those things again. It’s just this time. You need some time.
Medication – Consider seeing your doctor and getting some medical help. Also consider other treatment methods, like diet, medically prescribed antidepressants, counseling, or therapy.
Therapy – Consider seeing a trained professional that can help you. You could see a social worker, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, you could try art therapy, water therapy, a family therapist or even hypnotherapy. Find someone you can trust to help you to find the root of your unhappiness. If your depression is not medical, you can be assisted with medication, but until you find and work on the root cause, you will never find peace in your heart or mind.
Physical activity – Be sure to get some form of exercise or physical activity that you love and can do often. It could be anything, like dancing, rock climbing, taking your dog for a walk, gardening, swimming, an online fitness game, whatever you feel you will maintain. If you hate it you’ll stop doing it. Find something you can enjoy, not something others say you should do.
Connect with others – I’m not talking about having people at work that you talk with now and then. I am talking about meaningful relationships. Don’t become a hermit. Do not isolate yourself. Do you have someone that you can talk to and hang out with that you feel safe and comfortable with. If you do, be with those people. Without becoming a whiner, share your thoughts and feelings. Open up about your struggles. Those that are truly your friends can help you to see things with perspective, helping you to see your strengths and weaknesses equally. They will push you when you need it and let you have your off days when you need them too.
Get creative – Find a new talent or interest. If you aren’t artistic you can still be creative. You could create a You Tube channel. You could create a space in your garden. You could create a memoir just for you. You could create a family album. Create a Ronald McDonald with all your McDonald take-away cups. There is absolutely any number of ways that you can get creative by focusing on something you enjoy.
Gratitude journal – It may sound silly, but regularly writing down positive things in your life help you to slowly get a more balanced perspective of your life. When we focus so much on the difficult or negative we forget how blessed we can be.
Journal – In a world with so many words floating around in cyberspace, we actually don’t really know how to express ourselves. Use a journal as a place for you to learn to put your thoughts and feelings into words. Use this as a way to get to know and understand yourself better. Use it as a place to vent and shout. Use it as a place to write your deepest feelings about your family. Use it as a place to plan the future you want for yourself and map it out. Use it as a place to just get all the voices out of your head and onto paper. It helps to make things quieter and more ordered in your head.
Change the message playing in your head – We all say things to ourselves over and over in our head that others will never hear. Change the way you speak to yourself. Stop telling yourself how pathetic or useless you are. Acknowledge mistakes or shortfalls, but with a positive comment afterwards like “I know I messed up on …, but next time instead of getting so angry I’ll….”. Teach yourself to acknowledge imperfections, but not to define yourself by them. You’d never tell your child who is learning to feed himself that he’s a loser because he can’t get the spoon in his mouth properly. Stop doing it to yourself.
Prioritise – What do you have to do and what can you move to tomorrow, next month or next year? Are there things in your life that you can get rid of completely? Does going to the book club (you can substitute anything here) help me feel calmer or more anxious? If it’s anxious, can you get rid of it? If it’s something you can’t get rid of, can you postpone it for a little while? If you can’t postpone it, can you ask someone else to take care of it or help you with it? Can you break it down into smaller pieces to work at a little a day? Find ways to take care of the most essential things, and get rid of the clutter. When you are feeling more capable, you can slowly add them again if it’s something you wish to have as a part of your life. But for now, keep it simple.
Choose something of meaning to you – Is there something that you feel you could be passionate about, or something that is of interest to you? Find a way to get something of value or meaning to you into your life. When we just go through the motions of our day to day required living, we lose the aspect of pleasure, of joy and of personal accomplishment. If you love animals, spend some time helping them at a vet or other place where you can interact with them. If you want to empower people to be their best selves, begin by writing a blog. You do not have to change the world, but you can change YOUR world by introducing something of personal value into it.
Make changes – Sometimes your depression is not because there is some deficiency in your brain, or because you have a history of depression in your family, but because there is something in your life that is making you desperately unhappy. As mentioned previously, until you identify what it is, and make the necessary changes, no amount of medication is going to help you.
Pray – If you are religious, pray. Consider what you want to pray about. Take it to the Lord on your knees in a private space. Keep listening, He will answer, just be patient, be aware of things around you and listen carefully. The answers or direction do not always come how we expect them to or when we think they should.
How do I know if I have controlling parents (mom or dad, or both)?
Do your parents have very strong opinions on what you do or don’t want to do? For a school subject choices? For a career? Regarding activities you do or don’t want to do? Do they make you feel forced to choose their opinion?
Do your parents have strong opinions on what you like or don’t like? (“No, you don’t like chocolate cake” or “of course you enjoy pineapple on your pizza”)
Do your parents always try to do, or get very involved in your tasks?
Do your parents always tell you what to eat? What to wear? Who your friends should be?
Do your parents have strong opinions on what your strengths / talents / weaknesses or interests are?
Do your parents seem to lack empathy or understanding when you try to explain a different opinion to them?
Does it seem that your parents never seem to listen to or hear what your opinions are if they are different to theirs?
Do your parents not like to give you space, or privacy? Do they read all your social media posts? Do they need to know everything that you are saying or doing on your phone? Do they need to know everything about your friends?
Do your parents manipulate you by making you feel you are ungrateful for what they do, or have done for you so that they can get you to do what they want you to?
Do your parents withdraw their affection or help from you if you do not do as they want you to do, in any given situation?
Do your parents make you feel that your emotions are irrelevant?
If you answered yes to a few of these, or if your parent’s opinions seem overpowering and leave you feeling that you can only do what they think, you probably have controlling parents.
What are some of the reasons my parents may be controlling?
Sometimes it is because they think it’s the best way to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes they made;
Sometimes it’s because they fear something bad may happen to you, it’s their way of keeping you safe;
Sometimes it’s because they don’t want you to miss out on things they regret missing out on, and so they push you to do better and be better;
Sometimes it’s because they don’t want you to experience some bad or sad things they have experienced.
Often a parent’s controlling behavior begins with good intentions. Parents forget that we all learn by making mistakes. Getting our hearts or feelings hurt, disappointment and failure are all part of the human experience. However, this fact does not give you license to just disregard your parent’s counsel and advice, as it can save us from some avoidable trouble or pain.
Some controlling parents are harmless with good intentions. However, there are some parents whose controlling behavior can feel scary and dangerous. The thoughts below would be more appropriate for the situation that does not feel scary and dangerous.
How to cope with controlling parents?
Identify and try to understand the motivation for their behavior. Do they want to know where you are all the time because they truly care and worry about you? If so, you can try to ease their fears by letting them know where you are going, when you are home etc. Do they seem to force you into certain education fields because they want the best for your? If so, is there something you can do to help them see you are trying your best? Can understanding their desire for you to achieve your best help you to better cope with what you feel is their controlling parenting?
Remember, you will not be living with your parents forever. Try to be patient, and find ways to remember your true identity, even if it seems you have to put it on hold for a little while. One day you will be able to focus on your true self, find little ways to remind yourself of who you are.
Try to keep your emotions out of your interactions with your parents. If you are not happy with the way your parents are parenting, you need to speak to them about it, but it doesn’t help if you become all emotional as you do. Do not use anger, tears or guilt or try to manipulate them to let you do what you want to do. Explain what it is that you need from them, and why.
Avoid angry outbursts, talk to your parents about how you are feeling, using facts and clear explanations. Share with them what you need from them and what they can do to help you in a less controlling way.
A healthy relationship has boundaries. The key word here is healthy. If you are living at home and are a minor, there are some boundaries that you are too young to make. There are some things that your parents have every right to know about, like who you are hanging out with, what time you’ll be home, where you are going and what you are getting up to on your phone or social media. When you are older you will be able to establish some appropriate boundaries with your parents, like their involvement in your finances, their involvement in your personal life choices, and boundaries regarding your personal space.
Sometimes a parent is just unaware of how their parenting techniques are hurting their children and can begin being resolved by having an honest, sometimes difficult, conversation with them about how you are feeling. Unfortunately, some parents become angry and defensive and don’t want to hear what you are saying. If this is the case, you may need to be patient and may need to postpone a chat. Your safety is more important than getting your way.
Some other things you can do to cope with controlling parents
Focus on what you are learning from the experience. What skills are you gaining as you learn to manage your frustrations? What are you learning about your strengths and weaknesses?
Get to know and understand yourself. Are you learning what things you are truly passionate about? What are they? What can you do to plan to have them as part of your life, if not now, then later?
Stop using phrases like “I’ll never be able to…” or “I can’t …”. Change those thoughts to “I may not be able to….yet” or “I can’t… yet”.
If you are no longer living in your parent’s home, have you decided what field you would like to be in? Do you need to study further to do so? Do you need to finance your studies? How will you do so? Make plans and find ways to achieve your passions.
Set up a plan to help you stick to Your Plan when things get tough, and make sure you do not fall back into following the plan your parents had for you.
Think about what the most difficult challenges are that you have to face. Can you break them down into smaller problems that can help you manage them easier?
Other inappropriate parent / child relationships:
Your mom may think she has to be your BFF, and when you are young it could feel like the greatest friendship, however, as you get older it really is not appropriate and can not be maintained throughout your life. A relationship with your mom must be different to any friendships you would have with others of your age. If your mom feels threatened or offended by relationships you have with others because she feels you should be her best friend, there is a boundary of the parenthood and friendship relationship that has been broken.
You feel the need to take care of your mom or dad. It is appropriate to help your parent, however it is not appropriate that your parent makes you feel that they are totally dependent on your opinion, help or input in everything they do. Does he or she make you feel they need your help with things at their work, with their friends, with decisions they need to make or any other activity in his or her life?
Self-Care Counselling 