Recently I found myself getting rather defensive at something my husband commented on. I wondered why I was feeling so defensive when I knew it really wasn’t a big deal. Why was I feeling the need to justify something I’d done, even when I knew he was correct. He was not criticising or pointing out a fault, merely making a comment on something I’d said.
I wondered why I didn’t just calmly give my reason for saying what I’d said, but rather felt that I had to justify my thought process instead. I knew that I believed and felt good about my comment, so I had to wonder why I’d done that.
After giving it some thought, and considering a few other recent occasions that I’d found myself getting more defensive that the situation warranted, and I realised something about myself. It was something I’d actually known all along, but had not been willing to acknowledge ‘out loud’ to myself.
I realised that I got defensive, not because of my husband’s question or comment, but rather because I lacked confidence in myself.
According to the Google Dictionary, this is the difference between clarifying something, and defensively justifying it:
Clarifying means to make a statement or situation less confused and more comprehensible.
Justifying means to show or prove to be right or reasonable.
The first definition suggests confidence, while the other (depending on the situation obviously, but we are referring to the situation above), unless you are a lawyer in court of law needing to present your case, it suggests a need to explain yourself.
I had to have a conversation with myself as to why I often feel the need to defend a decision I made or something I chose to do. Did I doubt the decision? Did I doubt the action taken?
No, I had to acknowledge that I felt the need to justify my decision, not because others were smarter, but because I assumed others were smarter. I know that I am an educated, wise and rational person. However I also realised that deep down I assumed that others would have a better or wiser way, and so then when someone (my husband in this case, and most other cases) asked for clarification on something, that my first reaction was to get defensive.
If I believed in myself a bit more, I wouldn’t fear finding there may be a better way, because it wouldn’t affect my self-confidence. My self-confidence would allow me to change a plan or decision if needed, and it would also allow me to stand firm with my original thought or action if I still felt that was the best decision.
Until I allow myself to believe in myself, those defensive reactions would continue.
There are many things in our life that can contribute to us feeling less confident about ourselves than we should. Some of those things could be from childhood experiences, school experiences or even our current relationships. It could even be a combination of experiences. Many things in our lives can dent, crack or even break our self confidence. Unfortunately, only we can fix it.
We can allow people in our lives that can help us build our self-confidence, but ultimately it’s up to us to tell ourselves that it’s OK to believe in ourselves. Do we have to have all the answers? Do we have to never make a mistake? No. But, we can still be confident in our decisions and actions.
Is this a simple, quick fix solution? Absolutely not. But I sure feel a lot better about myself and my decision to stand confidently by my decisions than I did before, and it’s been great.
This is a work in progress, but it’s worth the work!
As a partner, family or a friend of someone who struggles to show affection to others, it is important to be aware of ways that affection could be shown by them. It’s important to recognise these actions because we may miss them or view them as casual acts when in fact they are of great importance to the one showing the affection. It is important to allow them to express themselves in ways that are comfortable to them and not pressure them to express themselves in a way that we expect.
Those that struggle showing affection usually struggle with physical contact too, especially in a public setting, and so should they hold your hand in public or in a social setting, recognise that as an important expression of their feelings for you. This would hold true for placing their hand on your leg or on your back or shoulder. Obviously the type of relationship you have with this person (marriage, dating, family or friend) would directly affect the type of physical contact shared.
Be aware of the following acts and behaviors, and recognise them as indications of their feelings towards you or others –
do they do simple acts that show kindness or thoughtfulness?
do they remember important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, special events coming up or days you are worried about?
do they send you random messages to chat or that have positive, encouraging or thoughtful content?
do you unexpectedly receive flowers, or a chocolate or something they know you like?
do they cook your favourite meal, or take you out for dinner?
do they arrange outings or days out?
do you receive a ‘casual’ back or arm rub while watching a movie together? (This could lead to further physical interactions, but be aware of your partner’s reactions so as not to assume something your partner may not be emotionally ready to participate in).
their words carry great weight, and should they express any form of affection or emotion, understand that these words are not shared lightly. Recognise the value of their words, and do not belittle or ignore them. If you treat their words of affection lightly or in a dismissive manner, they will be far more reluctant to share their feelings with you again.
Take care not to force them to show affection, or to receive affection from you
Should you try to hold their hand unexpectedly, they may feel overwhelmed or surprised and may pull their hand away. This may not be because they do not feel affection for you, but because they feel surprised with the sudden physical touch. When they are emotionally ready, they are very warm and loving. It may be helpful if you just ask “do you mind if I hold your hand?”. This just allows them to quickly emotionally process and prepare for the physical contact. This then also gives them the opportunity to say yes, or no, and possibly even let you know how they are feeling at the moment.
Simple acts of affection can last them a long time before they seek more affection. This does not mean that they do not appreciate the affection given or received, their needs are just different. Should you wish to have affection shown more regularly, it is helpful to talk together and share your thoughts and feelings, coming to an understanding together and ways in which both your needs can be met.
As their trust in you increases, and as they feel that their emotions are protected and safe with you, there is a definite chance that their willingness to participate in physical affection will increase.
Be patient. If you become impatient or selfish in your desire for them to show love and affection in a way that you want, you may in fact be making things worse, making them feel insecure and creating a situation where they withdraw further. It is difficult, but is worth it.
Things you can do to build your affection-shy partner (or friend’s) confidence in YOUR affection for them
Listen to them. Look at them when they talk to you. Stop watching TV, put your phone down.
Do something thoughtful for them each day. Help them to feel your love or affection for them. You could make them a snack. If they are busy, do something you know they need to get done, like doing the dishes, cooking dinner or making the bed). Send them thoughtful messages. Your small daily acts of kindness help them to feel your love and their value to you. Do random daily acts of kindness.
Spend casual time together. Do things that are fun, laugh together. Do something you can enjoy other than just going out for movies or dinner (as much as Covid will allow anyway). Find a sport of hobby you can do together (write a book, learn to sail, go running or cycling, plant a garden). Just spend time together.
Use positive language with them. This does not mean you always have to agree with them, or that you have to allow them whatever they want, but you can disagree in an agreeable way.
Send encouraging texts to them. Thank them for things they have done. Remember, words mean a lot to them, so be sure to use them sincerely.
Let them know that they are a priority in your life.
These things will help to increasing their self-confidence and their self-esteem because your behavior towards them enforces the fact that they are important, and of great worth to you. As their self-worth increases, their ability and willingness to show affection could change too.
What is self-esteem? Google has a lovely definition for this – “Self-esteem is confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self respect.” That can be quite a painful statement to hear because there are very few of us that actually, truly have a pure confidence in our own worth.
Why do we have such little confidence in ourselves? The reality is that our perspective is off, and the measure that we use to judge ourselves with is flawed. Our world has become so image conscious, that no one truly allows their true characters, passions and natures to be seen. It’s reached such a point, that many people are even unsure in themselves, of who they truly are.
Our perspective is one that leads us to believe that self-worth is based on what you have or do, rather than on who you are. We are all so busy working on creating an image of our lives for others to be impressed with, that we often do so at the cost of our character. We often forget our true nature and internal passions, to chase the financial or living standard that we think is required to be successful at life. That standard that has been ‘set’ for us by others who’s perspective is just as off balance as ours.
It’s time to look deep in yourself and find out who you are. What can you do well? What are your passions? We all have to take care of our day to day responsibilities, which may include working at a job that we perhaps are not so happy in. That, unfortunately is a part of real life. However, are you your job? Who are you after hours? Who are you at home? What do you dream of being or doing? What personality traits do you wish you could change? What things would you love to do as a family? Learn to find your true self and your true passions again, and invite them back into your life.
Perhaps you work in a bank and are really good with numbers, but your true passion is physical activities. Make a plan to be able to do those things more often. It does not have to be every day, it can be once a week, or once a month. But start finding yourself. Perhaps you love cooking or baking but you can’t do it because financially you are just unable to do more than put the bare minimum on the table for your family. So, begin by learning more about cooking with recipe books, or if you can, watch YouTube videos that teach you tricks and skills. Set a goal for being able to buy one or two things differently in the month that can allow you to begin practicing. Don’t let life and it’s challenges and responsibilities rob you of still being you.
Another thing to do is to stop judging yourself by what you assume others expect of you. And by ‘others’ I mean anyone other than yourself. Only you know what you are truly capable of, or what you really can’t do. You don’t have to be the best cook like whatever her name is down the road. You don’t have to be able to fix your own roof like your father-in-law. You have special qualities and skills that they don’t have. Some of those qualities or skills may actually be unseen by anyone other than you because you keep them hidden or do them quietly. You may be compassionate and kind despite physical challenges. You may spend a lot of time with your children than someone else that you admire for their ability to keep a neat yard. If you actually DO want to be able to keep a neat yard, stop wishing and make a plan to follow that will allow you to learn to do so.
When there is something that you really can’t get right, like for instance, I can not knit more than 10 rows, no matter how hard I try, without having to pull it out. Now, would I say to myself, “You really are pathetic, you suck so much at being able to do this thing. Even school children can knit! You are useless!” Or could I rather say, “I still haven’t managed to get this right, but if I ask my mom to help me, I’m sure I could eventually get this right.” Another option could be, “I really don’t enjoy knitting. I don’t actually want to learn to do this, so I’m going to stop trying. Instead, because I enjoy painting and creating things with wood, I’m going to rather learn how to do that.” Why do I make myself feel that I HAVE to know how to knit, just because that’s what lots of other people can do?
It’s time to stop holding yourself ransom to the abilities, passions and goals of others, and that includes the expectations that you assume others have of or for you. You don’t look like them, so stop trying to be like them.
Stop rationalising or making excuses with yourself about why you haven’t achieved something you want to – rather, make a goal, make a plan and start acting on that plan. If it doesn’t come naturally and you need extra help and time to accomplish it – so what! Get the extra help. Use the extra time. It’s not a race, it’s just you becoming you. Stop making excuses and take control of your life.
Stop believing that you can’t change, that you can’t improve, that you can’t achieve or be something you would really like to do or be. Change the negative messages you say to yourself in your head that no-one else can hear, and rather tell yourself positive “you can” messages.
Stop measuring yourself against something that is obviously out of your range. For example, if you are unfit and overweight you could be beating yourself up about not being able to run a mile. Well, obviously you can’t right now. However, even though this might be true, is it true that you could NEVER be able to run a mile? NO! Will it take time? Yes. Will it take sacrifice and discipline and possibly even some tears? Yes. Is it do-able? Yes. So stop making excuses and beating yourself up just because of where you are. Who said that what you are today, or what you can do today is all you will ever and can ever do or become?
Stop using phrases like “I can’t…”, “I’m not….”, “I’m so…”, “I’ll never…”. Replace them with phrases like “Right now I can’t, but…”, “Right now I’m not able to …., but…”, or “Right now I can’t… but I’m working at it by …”.
It is not easy or simple to change your mind-set about yourself, but it is possible.
Set small achievable mini-goals that can get you to your big goal.
Stop using negative language about yourself.
Tell yourself at least 5 things about yourself each day that are good and positive (you can say as many as you like, but be sure to do more than 5 to begin).
Spend more time with those that make you feel good about yourself.
Stop assuming people think or feel things.
Stop measuring yourself against others, use yourself as a measuring stick – am I better today than yesterday?
Stop labeling yourself as a failure or a looser, or less important than someone else just because you made a mistake or failed at something. No one is perfect at everything first time, or all the time.
Remember – others are struggling with the same challenges, whether you see it or not, so be kind, positive and motivating to yourself and be kind, positive and motivating to others too.
Believe in yourself and recognise that you are as flawed and as wonderful as anyone around you. Remember, we are all still becoming. No one is ‘there’ yet. You are wonderful as you are, and you will be wonderful in 10 years time when you added to who you are now.
We all have moments where we struggle to show affection to others. This struggle may be as a result of a personal situation we find ourselves in. It may be because we are not feeling well or are feeling a bit blue and down at the time. We could have tooth-ache. There may be a number of reasons for this momentary shut-down of our loving or kind side. We all go through these moments, but they are usually temporary. However, what if I have always struggled, and still struggle to show affection to those around me?
There are a number of things that can affect our ability to show affection to others, but there does however, seem to be one that stands out above all the others. Let’s first go through some of them before getting to the most common reason for our struggle :
You may have been raised in a home where affection, and possibly also kindness, compassion and empathy, were not something that you were exposed to. Your childhood may not have taught you how to use and show emotional and / or physical affection. This may make it difficult for you to understand affection, how to show affection, and even the need for affection by others.
Your personality may play a role. An introvert could struggle more than an extrovert.
You may have mental health struggles, like depression, anxiety, PTSD, work pressures, OCD, physical health issues (which affect your mental health), or possibly the medication you are taking is affecting you.
You may be feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities you are facing, things that may have increased at the time, like exams, work, schooling, family concerns or as mentioned previously, health struggles. You may not have the emotional ability to give anything more at the time.
You may have withdrawn emotionally using intimacy barriers to protect you from past hurts. You may have high levels of distrust of those around you due to past experiences with them or others, or you may fear opening up and being vulnerable to future hurts and disappointments.
You may have become so complacent in your relationships that you no longer make an effort to form bonds, or show emotional attachments. You do not see the need to show affection over and over, and take for granted the relationship you have previously built, and get frustrated with others who seem to still wish to show, or require your affection to be demonstrated physically.
You may have shown affection previously, but due to a feeling of complacency in your relationship coming from your partner, friends or family members, you have stopped, or at least hidden your feelings of affection in order to protect yourself from becoming vulnerable to hurt and disappointed.
So those are some of the possible reasons why you struggle to show affection to those around you. There does however seem to be one main reason for your struggle, which is linked to a low self-esteem. Many of the reasons given above could also be listed under the Low Self-Esteem heading, but it is sometimes easier to understand when we can see a break-down of what could be contributing to our low esteem of our selves.
A low self-esteem could be due to events in our lives, or it could even be self-inflicted. We are very often much harder on ourselves than those around us are, and yet we assume everyone judges us, or requires that same perfection that we do of ourselves, and because we are not perfect we tell ourselves that we are not good enough, not worthy enough or have not earned the love or respect of others.
We tend to create our own levels of self-esteem, not really based on what others think of us, but in truth it’s what we think of ourselves. We have a standard that we hold ourselves to and when we do not reach that standard (whether it’s regarding our weight, our career, our salary, our relationship status, where we live or whatever) we judge ourselves to be inferior, and then proceed to unfairly assume that others judge us by that standard too. Thankfully, we can change that.
We can do things to help us change our thought process. We can begin to do things for ourselves that can help increase our low self-esteem. We will discuss some of those ideas in our next blog. In the meantime, consider what some of the thoughts are that you often tell yourself that are negative and judgmental about your behavior, your personality, character or physical appearance. Are you being reasonable or over critical? Would you use this same level of judgment with others? Write them down, look at them honestly and consider why you say these negative things to yourself.
At a quick glance at the title of this blog, we could easily come up with a few glib reasons how marriage and grass can be compared to each other. So, for fun, let’s look at what we know about grass.
Well, we know that grass is always “greener on the other side”…
Grass grows without any help. For a while at least. Thereafter, if you don’t tend it by cutting it and trimming the edges, you end up with a mess. Suddenly (it seems anyway), there are weeds and hard, tough tufts of grass growing where there was once lovely green, soft grass.
Generally, grass dies off when the climate gets colder. It seems to die, but then when the climate gets warmer it begins sprouting again and you see those little green shoots coming up through the dry, hard grass.
There are many different varieties of grass, and people choose the kind of grass they prefer depending on their needs (yard size, whether they’d spend much time outside on the grass or not) and their personalities (whether they are likely to care for it regularly or not).
You don’t usually see people cutting their grass, but you often see a lovely garden and may even comment on how lush and healthy their grass looks.
You can have a stunning house, but if your grass is looking untidy and un-kept, your home looks shoddy. The opposite is also true. You could have a small, run-down house, but if your grass is neat and trimmed, your home can still look lovely and welcoming.
Some grasses also have flowers or mushrooms growing amongst it, while other grasses don’t. Some can grow really tall, while others stay close to the ground.
Considering this blog is titled “Marriage and grass”, I’m sure you’ve been able to develop some ideas of your own as you read those statements above, about how they relate to marriage. Do I really actually even have to spell it all out? I don’t really think so, but I will share my thoughts anyway.
Let’s get into the breaking down of the analogy, using the statements made above –
We all know that what you see is not necessarily the reality. Like the comment often goes on to say, the grass often appears greener, but when you get closer you understand that the reason for the rich colour is because there is a lot of manure around, which is feeding it. That green colour is earned. And so it is with any relationship. Like any growing thing, without a lot of TLC, it will not reach it’s true potential. In a true gardener comment “you reap what you sow”. If you feel your relationship is lacking in something, do something about it. Don’t expect your partner to do all the changing. Start with you.
A relationship can appear to grow without much help. It can start with an attraction (whether because of admiration, or sexual attraction) and can seem to be moving along quite nicely without much effort, but sooner or later, without the required love, patience, compassion, compromise, empathy, forgiveness and many other things required to keep a true long-term relationship going, it’s not going to be a beautiful relationship.
If you do not offer warmth to your partner, their emotions may die off. It may be in a self-protection type of dying off, where they ‘hibernate’ their emotions and it seems that they no longer feel the same way about you anymore, or their feelings for you may in fact have died, with no spring resurrection. How do you show that warmth? With patience, love, kindness, forgiveness, a soft answer, compassion, empathy, selflessness, communication, acts of service, time, thoughtfulness, helping each other and knowing that both of you are flawed personalities working together to make a perfectly imperfect whole.
Stop comparing yourself or your spouse to someone else. What you see may not be what you get. What may appear to be perfect to you, may actually be the worst type of personality for your personality. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Imagine if your spouse compared you to someone else. How would your weaknesses stand up against their strengths? That’s exactly what we usually do. We look at someone else’s strengths and compare them to a weakness our partner may have. We forget that that ‘perfect’ person also has flaws and weaknesses., you just aren’t aware of them. Appreciate the wonderful person you are with and, together you work on BOTH of your weaknesses. It takes time. It takes a life time. Enjoy doing it together.
A great relationship isn’t just magically great. There have been tears, discussions, frustrations, growing experiences and a whole lot of humility, forgiveness and changing from both partners. Your relationship will also go through growth periods where there’s a lot of hurt, confusion, frustration and tears. It’s what you choose to do with those times that will make the difference in your relationship. You can choose to hold a grudge, expect perfection and look only at the weak humanity of the person you are with. Or, you could choose to talk, do some self-analysis and honest introspection and work together to make it better. You don’t just wake up and suddenly understand each other just because you live in the same house. Understanding each other takes time. A lot of time. Use it wisely.
This statement really has reference to the outward appearance of our lives. We could have the best job, earn a fantastic salary, go to the gym and both look like a million bucks, but we are horribly unhappy, because our relationship has been neglected. We are focused more on the appearance of our lives that our real lives. Our relationships ultimately are what make us happy or not. We can choose to make them simple yet well cared for, or grand and broken. We choose what our real relationship truly is like by how we spend our time, and what we choose to work on.
Stop comparing. Each relationship is beautiful in it’s own way. Each patch of grass is beautiful whether there are flowers in it or not. Your relationship is beautiful and unique to the personalities of both of you. Don’t let anyone tell you you need flowers, or that you should be taller grass. Only the two of you can decide what type of relationship you want. So decide together, and make it happen. If your relationship is like the grass with mushrooms growing, but you don’t like mushrooms, then decide together what type of ‘grass’ you want, and what you are going to do to create that type of ‘lawn’, or relationship. If you need to cut the grass regularly to keep it in where you want it, do so by counseling together regularly and helping each other to be your best selves. Grow your relationship like you would a garden. Take control of it, don’t let it run away with you.
Families are a huge part of our lives, whether we love them or hate them, they are a part of our lives. Families also have a multitude of moving parts, there’s a lot that happens in a family. It could be a sick child, an ageing parent, a financial struggle, an emotional struggle with one or more of the family members, wonderful accomplishments and fun times spent together, there’s always something happening. It takes some skillful maneuvering and planning to keep it all moving along day by day. And then if you add extended family to that mix, it becomes so much busier, more demanding and, if allowed, so much more fun.
The word council means “an assembly or meeting for consultation, advice, or discussion” (according to merriam-webster). So to get together to council means to discuss something and consult together.
This is very different to the word counsel which just means to give advice to someone.
So when we think of having a family council (spelled –cil, not —sel) we need to understand that this is a time more for listening and discussing together, rather than a lot of ‘telling’.
A family council can be held with just a husband and wife, or you could include the children if it is appropriate. A council can also include extended family like aunts and uncles, grandparents and in-laws. It is usually a scheduled time to get together to discuss a way to manage or cope with a situation in a unified and supportive manner. It could be to plan a holiday coming up, or to discuss a concern regarding bad relationships between family members that is beginning to affect all or parts of the family circle. It could be to plan how to assist a family member who requires chemotherapy regularly. It could be to plan and organise a family reunion for an 80th birthday coming up. There are any number of reasons why you would have a family council.
What is a family council not?
A family council is NOT a time to lecture those attending. It is NOT a time where just one person speaks, or where only a few of those attending tell everyone else how things will or should be done. It is NOT a time for criticising, demeaning, ignoring or undermining anyone who is attending.
What is a family council?
It’s a time to get together to allow everyone time to share their thoughts or feelings regarding whatever the topic is being discussed. It is a time for conversation. It is a time where you can feel safe discussing a concern. It’s a time to get feedback from everyone involved in, or affected by whatever the reason is for the gathering. It’s a time to listen to understand the emotions or needs of ALL of those in the council. It is a time to unite and build each other, to find ways to assist and help one another. It’s a time where everyone’s thoughts and opinions are valued and respected, and everyone can feel they are part of the solution.
Usually a family council is a planned event, but it can often happen naturally. If it happens naturally, go with the flow. Allow it to happen. Each situation is unique and will happen in it’s own way.
Family councils can happen as regularly as you want. It could become a weekly habit of getting together and expressing things you are grateful for around the dinner table. Or it could be seasonal where you plan holidays. There may be unexpected life events that happen in-between that may require a special family council organised especially for that event. You can make it happen whenever you wish.
Done with the right attitude of respect and willingness to listen to understand, family councils will build your family relationships and can even help heal some family wounds.
We’ve all had those moments where, while having a normal conversation, we suddenly find ourselves feeling the need to defend a statement we’ve just made, a thought we’ve shared or an emotion we felt or are still feeling . These situations seem to find us raising our voices or even sometimes feeling that fight or flight sensation. We either want to stand our ground and defend ourselves, or we may wish to just end the (and we’ll be polite here and call it a) conversation right there so that it doesn’t escalate further.
These situations are fraught with challenges : I either feel that if I don’t defend myself here I may be admitting that I was wrong and I know I am not, or that my emotion was valid, or else I may feel that if I continue trying to justify my point of view this ‘conversation’ may just get ugly and end up somewhere we don’t wish to be. It’s quite the tight rope walk. What to do, what to do! I want my partner to understand how I feel or why I said what I said, but do I really need to justify it? Does there really have to be a right and a wrong? Can’t there just be a ‘different, but ok’?
Arguments are just destructive events, they serve no value to either party. Even if one party leaves the argument feeling they ‘won’, they really didn’t. You may have been correct in something you were discussing, but you lost because you have injured a relationship. And which is more important to you? If you didn’t answer “relationship”, then you need to have a good look at yourself and ask yourself why it is so important to be ‘right’ or to ‘win’.
This same principle would apply to those what use manipulative behavior, like whining, crying, throwing a tantrum (yes, even adults do this) or ignoring the other person. You may ultimately get what you wanted, but you have ruined a relationship. They may still love you, but once trust and respect has gone, that relationships will never be pure or ‘all in’ again.
There are some things we can do that can help us to navigate the inevitable argument that will rear it’s ugly little defensive head in our conversations from time to time.
It is important to allow and acknowledge the opinions, emotions and choices of others, and it’s very helpful for us to realise that different is not wrong, it’s just different. Imagine a world where only your ideas existed… so many incredible things would be missing! Don’t deny yourself exposure to new or different things, they provide beauty and variety.
So, what do we do once we get into a situation where we may feel like the discussion may be turning into an argument? Here are some suggestions :
Take a time out – when you feel like you are getting into the transition from conversation to argument, in other words you are beginning to feel the need to defend yourself in one form or another, it’s a good idea to excuse yourself from the conversation. Don’t just walk away, that would be rude and cause more arguments. Let the person you are talking to know that you are feeling that the conversation is taking an unpleasant turn, and you’d like to take some time gather your thoughts and that you will continue the conversation when you have both calmed down a bit. Doing this allows you to go somewhere else, take deep breaths and take a good look at the conversation. If you use this time to form stronger ‘arguments’ for when you come back together again, then your ‘time out’ was actually a waste – you may as well have just stayed and continued arguing. Remove the emotion from the conversation and look at the message being shared. Once the emotion has been removed you can more easily recognise the merits of the message the other person was trying to share with you. Consider where you could be more understanding of their thoughts, ideas, or emotions and if there was some other way that you could respond that would be beneficial to what you are both needing from this conversation. When we allow time for both parties to be acknowledged, and if we can communicate in such a way that their emotions or needs as well as our own are met, then we’ve had a successful conversation. We don’t have to agree, but we can certainly acknowledge each other’s thoughts, needs or emotions.
It’s ok if the other person is actually right – sometimes we need to just acknowledge that the other person was correct. It does not diminish any part of you to acknowledge that you may have been ill-informed, that you misunderstood or even that you were just wrong. In fact, it may even increase your character and reputation with others. Being willing to acknowledge you may not have been correct shows great character.
Let the other person know that you understand – this does not mean you have to adopt their way of thinking, but it does help the other person to feel validated in their thoughts or emotions. Just be sure you mean what you say. It is more damaging to say you understand and then to react to them in such a way afterwards that they feel you were not sincere and in fact do not give any value to their concerns / thoughts or emotions.
You can always apologise – never underestimate the power of “I’m sorry”.
We’ve all been waiting for 2020 to be done. Surprises are great, but seriously, we can usually expect most of them to be pleasant. The surprises we’ve had from the past year were usually, to put it in a positive way, growth or stretch experiences. We’re all hoping that now, in 2021, we can have a little reprieve from these ‘growth’ experiences. We’ve been looking forward to a ‘growth weekend’. Time off. Time out.
Well, we are now 2 weeks into this new year, and that ‘weekend off’ doesn’t look to be anywhere in sight. It’s looking very similar to what we hoped we had left behind. So, how do we deal with this not-so-new new year?
First of all – don’t hold yourself ransom to an unknown future by waiting for, and expecting things to be different, or better. It’s important to face what your reality is now. Be positive about the future, but live your life now. Even if things are not as you would like them to be, look around and see how you can make this a positive thing, in any small and simple ways, for you and those around you. Don’t put your happiness on hold while waiting for someone else to come along and make it all better. Do it yourself. It’s your life.
Don’t let dreams of the future rob you of your life here and now. Use the situation you find yourself in now as a catalyst to push you into new, unexplored, and perhaps even unconsidered positive life choices. Consider day to day meaningful family time. There’s so much on the internet that’s free and available all hours, that can allow you to study something you have previously not had time for, even if there’s no certificate or diploma afterwards. Improving your general knowledge is always beneficial.
Have a good chat with yourself and acknowledge your strengths. Look at what you can do with those strengths and make whatever situation you find yourself in now, or the future, a positive move forward. Even if it’s in a totally different direction to where you were originally going.
So, an overall thought regarding any plans you may have for new year goals –
This was originally posted on 3 November 2020. Some updates have been made.
We may find that as parents, we fit a little into each parenting category at different times. Our parenting styles change over time and as we learn and mature as parents. Often we may start off with one parenting style as our dominant style, but this can change over time. Often a parent recognises that what they are doing is not how they wish to continue, that what they are doing does not make them happy, and they consciously make a decision change or adapt how they parent. We can always learn better and do better.
Authoritative Parents create a positive relationships with their children and enforce rules and boundaries. A lot of time and effort goes into the relationship these parents have with their children. These parents are willing to discuss the reasons behind their decisions with their children, and will listen to their child’s thoughts, feelings or objections, if there are any, but are not necessarily swayed by them.
Authoritative parents will validate their child’s feelings and take them into account, but make it clear that the parents’ decision is ultimately the final one. These parents will notice behavior problems before or as they occur, and will take active steps to understand and curb the behavior. Positive discipline is used to reinforce good behavior.
Authoritative parents will use a reward system rather than punishments to guide behavior, helping the child to feel they play an active role in the consequences they may receive for negative behavior or bad choices. The child always has a clear idea of what is expected, and what the consequence will be of not keeping a family rule or expectation. These parents understand the difference between consequence and punishment.
Enforcing good behavior could include things like removing the child’s phone for a set time if they do not get home on time, or having a later bed time on a specific night if they complete all their chores for the week. These parents work with a set of rules that is consistent and known upfront, as well as a set of consequences that are also known by the child.
Authoritative parents respond willingly and readily to their children’s needs and questions. They expect a lot from their children but also provide a lot of support, warmth, friendship, and guidance. Should the child not meet the required expectations, their parents are nurturing and strict, but also give a lot of guidance, comfort and forgiveness along with the promised consequences. They do not hold grudges, blame or withhold affection because of the child’s transgression. Love is never withheld.
Effects on the child
It has been noted through research that these children are more likely to become responsible and dependable adults, able to share their opinions and thoughts with others, and also find it easier to accept constructive criticism.
Children raised by authoritative parents are usually more stable emotionally, happier and more successful. They can usually be counted on to make good decisions and more adept at evaluating the consequences of each choice.
These children easily follow authority without becoming subservient. They are able to understand that which is fair and acceptable, as well as having a great ability to follow rules and having a great understanding of what is right and wrong. They are better able to self regulate.
A child raised by authoritative parents is more likely to show greater maturity, high levels of moral reasoning, higher moral conscience and also able to show more patience and understanding with those around them.
Research has also shown that authoritative parenting may be the most effective parenting style, however it is also the most demanding. This parenting style requires a lot more time and energy from the parent. It requires consistent commitment and time throughout the child’s life time.
This was originally posted on the 30th of October 2020. Some updates have been made.
We may find that as parents, we fit a little into each parenting category at different times. Our parenting styles change over time and as we learn and mature as parents. Often we may start off with one parenting style as our dominant style, but this can change over time. Often a parent recognises that what they are doing is not how they wish to continue, that what they are doing does not make them happy, and they consciously make a decision change or adapt how they parent. We can always learn better and do better.
The Permissive Parent is very lenient and do not enforce rules. They are also referred to as indulgent parents and don’t often have consequences for bad behavior. They seem to be accepting of whatever their children do regardless of attitude or obedience. They like to have the “keep the peace” and “kids will be kids” attitude, offering as little interference, guidance or correction in their child’s life as possible, unless there is a serious problem.
Permissive parents take on more of a friend role than parent role with their child, and are also willing to shorten any punishment that may have been handed out if the child makes promises regarding future behavior. These parents can be warm and nurturing, but have minimal expectations regarding self-control or maturity.
Permissive parents are rather easily manipulated by their child because they prefer being liked by their child than helping them to make correct or better choices.
Effects on the child
The child of a permissive parent often have low self-esteem as a result of not having boundaries, rules or parental expectations to measure themselves by. They may also appear to be loving their independence, but are often very sad. These children battle with rules and authority and may therefore exhibit many behavioral problems as well as struggle academically.
They may also have health problems and be overweight as their parents will allow whatever foods their child wants regardless of whether it is good for them or not. Their parents will also give in to any whining or manipulation about having to finish anything, whether it’s the food on their plate or a school assignment. The child will become rather adept at manipulation and lying to get the parents to do whatever the child wants.
Visual of differences in parenting styles discussed in blog
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